The Girl Next Door : Part one

August 17, 2020
The girl next door

Part One

It has been raining for a while now. With every drop of rain I hear, it pinches my heart. Every raindrop falling is so pungent, my stomach on a roller coaster ride making scary sounds of hunger. And I race with these thoughts of life. Twinned up in my bulky blanket, I feel all warm and sweaty. I scroll through my phone lying there, my hands still sweaty, and slippery through my phone screen. I see people living their dreams, imagining myself in their place. Or what would it be like living a life as theirs! I see people making memories for a lifetime when I realize I have lost my friends. Or maybe it’s the other way; I am not able to keep up with them, thinking about how it would have been.
I feel consumed in the thought of the world that exists in my fantasies. Silence takes over, and I let it win, for I have nothing to convince myself this time. I put my phone down and hear the window panel striking with water. Lightning; thunder like the sky is bursting itself out tonight. I climb up to the switch and turn the lights on. Crawl up to the bottle of half-filled water. Drink some. And breathe. Long exhausting sigh as though I worked all day, tired from doing nothing.

I try to control the gigantic elephant inside my head, look in the mirror right across my bed. Trying to console myself, I say, “It’s not you.” looking straight through my eyes and scanning myself through this chaotic feeling. And maybe that’s enough to convince me, knowing that there are people much better and much worse than me. And maybe, that’s how the world is. That’s how it works! Comparing yourself to feel worse and to feel better. That you are much behind than some and much further than the rest. In the mirror, I see myself like the way I see others. Like I have a story to scream out like there is much more to me than this. Unknown of what it is, what my story is, and what more has to come next. I sit there looking at the mirror stone cold. The sweat has now cooled down.

Tomorrow I have to wake up again, a new day, a new experience. But don’t I always? Like the sun that rises every day after all the storm and every time it poured itself out. Showing everyone the clear blue sky, like nothing ever happened. After all, this is not the first time this has happened, and I am still here. I see the times I wasn’t able, and now it’s a lot better. Every day, every time! “No, it’s not only me,” I tell myself; my mind consoled. You ask me about my heart? But it always gets me in trouble. So better trigger it with the power my mind holds.
“Hey, you? It’s already 3 a.m, don’t you have plans to sleep? After all, tomorrow is a new day!” I turn the lights off. Crawl down to my bed, convinced it for this time, ready for what tomorrow will have to offer me.

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